Wednesday, August 12, 2009

5 Ways to Avoid Sharing the Gospel Ever Again

I saw that a church in my area is having a one-day evangelism training coming up in a few days and it got me thinking. Is the church's lack of evangelism due to the fact that we don't know how to do it? Or is it, as I suspect, that most Christians don't know anyone who's not already a Christian? Just in case there are some Christians out there who still associate with people who aren't saved, I thought I would give them some helpful tips on how to avoid sharing the gospel ever again.

1. Only Consume Christian Media
If there's one sentence that will kill a good conversation with your non-Christian friend it's this: "No I never saw the evil Lord of the Rings trilogy, but did you see Fireproof? It was soooo good." The odds that your non-Christian friend saw Fireproof are about as slim as your Christian friend having not seen Braveheart.

Are you confused by the multiple station memory buttons on your car radio because there is only one Christian station in your town? Have you ever found yourself using the terms "Kirk Cameron" and "good actor" in the same sentence without employing the phrase "is not?" Do you only watch TV shows that were on 15 years ago because somehow time cleanses those programs and wholesome-ifies them?

Then you are on a good track to never share the gospel again.

2. Only Attend Church-Sponsored Events
We Christians have discovered that the way to meet non-Christians is by having a well-known Christian speaker come to your church, like the fictitious Reverend P. J. Underwood, known for his brown tweed sports coats, characteristic mustache, and his five hour sermon series on Leviticus chapters 1-3. (If there's one thing that draws people to your church, it's the book of Leviticus.)

If Rev. Underwood is unavailable, you can always have a Bible Study. And make sure you call it a Bible Study when you invite the community to it. We wouldn't want to set up any more folding chairs than we would on a normal Sunday morning.

3. Use a Deceptive Tract (Bonus: Leave it as a tip at lunch!)
Have you ever seen those tracts that looks like a $100 bill but is actually a gospel tract? You will need a bunch of these because non-Christians love it when you trick them into reading your paraphernalia.

For bonus points you can leave it in the place of a tip at Sunday afternoon lunch because the waitress is clearly a sinner in need of salvation, or she would have asked off on Sunday to go to church.

She also really likes it when she glimpses a $100 bill on the table where a tip should be only to discover that the Jesus who she blames for her bad lot in life has just had His followers come into her restaurant and refuse to pay her for her hard work.

Don't get me wrong; tracts are great, but I think they need to be used properly. Leaving one as a tip in a restaurant doesn't cut it. Saying something cute like, "I gave the waiter eternal life! Isn't that enough of a tip?!" is just ignorant and cheapens the sacrifice Christ made on the cross. And if the waiter was already a believer before you came in the restaurant, your tract didn't provide them with eternal life; it ripped them off to the tune of 20% of your the cost of your meal.

4. Only Speak in Sentences that Can be Cross-Referenced in the Bible (And Say the Reference)
The best part about this approach is that it actually accomplishes two Christian life-goals at once: 1) Making yourself look far more biblically literate than anyone else in your church and 2) Never having to share the gospel again.

This one takes some practice, but I promise it will help you never speak to another non-Christian again, if you just think about a few common circumstances in which you will need to draw upon your superior biblical prowess.

Example 1: You've wrapped up the 2 and a half hour service at your church and spent the next half hour dissecting the worship leader's choice to sing the alternate tune to "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name." Now your friend says, "Hey it's 1:30 and I'm getting hungry. You want to go grab some lunch?" A normal person might say, "Yeah I'm starving, let's go to that new Mexican place." But you're not a normal person, after all you've been bought with the blood of Jesus so you reply with, "Man does live by bread alone. Matthew 4:4." If you really need to score some points, just the

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